ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Also, beer. Big fan.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
