You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
