Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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