Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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