how did your night go?
he asked for my myspace name.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
