I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
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