I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
