Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
