so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
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