So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize