Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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