you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
