Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
