I want to have your abortion
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
