that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
They took my balls.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
