Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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