We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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