Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
