Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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