listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I need to align my fucking chakras
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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