She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
So you don't take a regular pic with her, but you take a selfie with her ass. Interesting...
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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