I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
