You're my little dorito
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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