She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
