I wish I only lived at night.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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