real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
