She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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