don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
