walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
