Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
