Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
