Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
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