Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
