i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize