smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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