Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
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she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
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Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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