he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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