Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
