We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
