Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
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