i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
