wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
We were destined to go to rehab together
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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