Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
