I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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