he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
I need a burrito and a hug.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
