the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
