I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
