Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
