I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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