I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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