I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
