I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
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As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
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The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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