A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
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