I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
