I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
